If you were a kid in the 1980s then you were probably following one of the greatest battles of all time. A battle between two of the world’s ultimate super powers – no, I’m not talking about the US versus the Soviet Union. There was something bigger going on and it threatened to tear apart friends and families in a way not even the Civil War could do. I’m talking about the battle between the two ultimate shape shifting robot franchises. That’s right, I’m talking about the Transformers vs the Gobots.
If you were a fan of robot toys in the 80s, then 1984 has got to be your best year ever. It was in the 1984 that not only the Transformers but also the Gobots made their way to toy shelves. Not-so-coincidentally, it was also the year I had my first erection. Although I was an owner of toys from both of the toy lines, I had an immediate preference for the Transformers. I thought they were bigger, cooler, and had the far superior box art.
To me, the Gobots were cheap, crappy knock-offs. And they gave us stuff like this here Robot rape scene that is oh so disturbing.
That was a little uncomfortable wasn’t it.
Now, I will admit to having owned a few Gobots, but those usually came from a friend of the family or a distant relative who knew I liked toys and went out and bought one of these Gobot pieces of crap.I shit better toys than those things.
To me the Gobots were cheap and nowhere near as cool.
Which brings me to how I became embroiled in the great Transformer-Gobot war of 1984-87. It was my 12th birthday and my parents bought me not only a brand new Starscream toy and an even cooler Soundwave. With these toys in hand I went to school the next Monday, where I was ready to show off my bad ass new Transformers to my classmates. Unfortunately, when I got there a surprise was waiting for me in the form of my arch nemesis and bitter rival, John. He had gotten to class a little before me – I was running late that day because of mishap involving involving a Nestle Crunch bar not making its way into my Nightrider lunch box. I have never forgiven my mother for that.
As I arrived at school I saw that John was showing off his new Gobots to the girl of my dreams, Stacy. She was hot for a 5th grader. I was so upset when I saw it because I knew if I pulled out my Transformers I’d be called a copy cat. John had already shown them his Leader-fucking-1 and his goddamn Cykill. I hated those toys.
My internal monologue must have been louder than I thought because John saw me standing across the playground, saw what I was holding in my hands, and started laughing. He called out the four cruelest words I’ve heard “Dude the Transformers suck!”
At that point my whole world just collapsed as the other kids began to laugh at me. Even Stacy, the love of my adolescent life, joined in. Something must have snapped in my small juvenile mind because I blacked out for a moment. I came to about a minute later to the sounds of sobs behind me. Clenched tightly in my chubby hands was the dented chassis of my Michael Knight lunchbox, it’s lid slightly ajar. There, at my feet, my beloved Crunch bar rested in the dirt of the schoolyard.
I knew validation in my heart, even as one of the teachers charged out to haul me into the principal’s office. Turning back to the scene of carnage behind me, I saw John’s Cykill and Leader-1 crushed and broken beyond recognition. Nearby, though, both my Starscream and Soundwave gleamed in the morning stuff, still shiny and new. That proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Transformers were better.
Anyone and everyone who knows me also knows I am a peaceful guy who does not condone violence in any form…however, in hindsight, I will have to admit that seeing John’s broken toys made me feel better than I have at any other point in my life. And, you know what, in my heart of hearts I know that both Starscream and Soundwave felt the same.
That, my friends, was how I became embroiled in the great Transformers vs Gobot war.
Now that I’m an adult and history has proven that Transformers are totally sweet and the ultimate transforming robot toy, I have four little words to say to John: Dude, The Gobots Suck!
Autobots Roll out!